User blog:Hippie Rat/Doctor Who vs Bill and Ted by EFMRapBattles1 - Hippie Rat Reviews
Hey yo hi hello Lol. And this is the people who made the Lol. This is the last Hippie Rat Reviews to be in this template. If you like having a written version to go along with my new video ones I will, but it will likely be no more than the actual script I read off of while filming. Either way, I'm doing YouTube videos for these now. Subscribe to my YouTube channel and watch this video. Even if you only intend to read this version, go ahead and open the video on a different tab and mute it because I like views. So this is by Epic Fan Made Rap Battles. Because that title hasn't been used by fucking anyone before. Way to skimp out on the hyphen between Fan and Made to signify the double-worded adjectival phrase. Doctor Who vs Bill and Ted, which, I'll be honest, I thought was a fever dream I had like three years ago. It features Bill and Ted going against the 9th Doctor. Then the 10th Doctor. Then the 12th Doctor (I'll explain later). Then the 11th Doctor (again, I'll explain later). Also, somewhere along the line Marty McFly and Doc Brown jump in. Then when the battle's over, all the first eight Doctors jump in despite, you know, the battle being over. Yeah this battle really is a mess. And the very ending is just the cherry on top of how much of a mess it is. Ooh boy just wait until you get there. Sincere thank you to Dragon for bringing me back to these great happy memories also screw you because I hate this battle. Okay let's do this. The EFMRapBattles Series as a Whole So I don't know what aspirations this series had. It was headed by Zack, who had other series to work on, so this series was essentially dropped after five battles. That's right. Five battles. This being one of them, and the only one to be longer than 2:11. In fact, it's 7:48. Don't have much to say about their other battles, mainly just because I only watched them once like a week ago to prepare for this review and can't bother myself to watch them a second time for deeper reviews. Their first battle is Chucky vs Cupcakes. Way to start off a fucking series, buttfucks. Creepypasta vs horror movie character. Fucking edgy. And what's more it's token ginger playing token ginger and Stevie with that silly Cupcakes costume from Cupcakes vs Luna Game (please god please never let me review that). Mac vs PC is their second battle, made way after Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates was a thing, duh. It just features two generic preteens supposed to represent Apple and Microsoft as a whole, something that would be brought back for Epic Rap Battles of Extreme in Sony vs Nintendo vs Microsoft. The battle steals more jokes from Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates than B-Lo the Rap Ranter steals from Nostalgia Critic. It's ridiculous. Doctor Who vs Bill and Ted was their third battle. Seriously though, can no one else see the problem with having five battles with these lengths: 1:29, 1:30, 1:43, 2:11, and 7:48. Talk about skewed-right data. Their fourth battle was Jim Carrey vs Adam Sandler, which is a cute idea that..didn't feel like anything was accomplished by the end of the battle. And finally Neo vs Tron, which was another very interesting idea, interesting attempt at visuals and stuff, and I cannot remember a fucking thing about the lyrics. It probably also did not manage to accomplish anything, so whatever. Apparently they had like 10 more battles that were SoundCloud-exclusive, but fuck off. Now then onto this battle. The Sensual Feel Quick put the battle on another tab as reference so you know what I'm talking about with this bullshit. The battle begins with a giant Doctor Who time tube, likely just to make the viewers think of Doc Brown vs Doctor Who. There's no actual title cards, instead just the characters being announced with text in the Doctor Who time tube, all in order to make this battle connect to the big twist at the end that I'll go on about at the end. The Announcer is just a disinterested Zack. Doctor Who's background is minimal but decent looking. The giant Doctor foot is too unnecessarily silly. Mancha is 9th Doctor, which I guess is okay. Bill is Zack, which...I mean he's British and isn't even trying for the "duuude" voice. DHFilms voices Ted, and does better at the voice. Nothingonmydesk is the video for Ted, and it's also not bad. The Bill and Ted background is the Circle K but really weirdly presented. The logo is obscured by...I honestly don't know what that strange item is, and it's labeled "Circle K Food Stores" outside it seems. As if that one store is multiple stores. Idfk. (Okay I actually did a little research. I found a blog post of someone who found the actual San Dimas, California, the setting of Bill and Ted, where they tried to find the legendary Circle K from the movie. They found a Circle K that looks eerily similar to the one in this battle. So the background maker, instead of using the Circle K from the movie, used a real Circle K from San Dimas. Because that will be equivalent to the iconic location from the movie. Also, that blog post I mentioned? The picture the background maker used as reference was posted to show that the Circle K in the real San Dimas was much too small to resemble the one from the movie. I mean, just to exemplify how stupid this fall-flat meta joke idea was, I live twenty minutes away from the neighborhood from Edward Scissorhands, so I could go there and take actual pictures of the neighborhood to use as a location for Edward Scissorhands in a battle, but how does this compare to this? Fucking duh.) (Off topic, but fun fact: while writing this review, I went to the neighborhood from Edward Scissorhands. If you go down that road I just linked a picture of to where the castle mountain was, there's one of those round dead-end u-turn areas. One of the only visible buildings visible where the castle mountain was, is this. I guess you could say something was afoot at the Circle K. The greatest irony is that that Circle K probably would've been a better one to base the Bill and Ted background off of.) Sometime during Ninth's second verse we get an over-the-shoulder showing Bill and Ted's reaction to his verse, and it's just them dancing and fixing their hair. Bill does air guitar, so that's a nice nod to them (one of like...idk two? bill and ted references), but seriously I absolutely hate the thing that these fanmade battles do where they show the characters being rapped at and they're just dancing and stuff. It makes no sense, just show a normal fucking reaction. Why don't you put the guys dancing in the background during their own verse? And never show them fixing their hair and stuff? It takes away from the battle! Fucking hell man. After Bill and Ted's second verse, apparently the diss was enough to actually kill the Doctor, and he turns into the Tenth. The effect of his transformation is decent considering editing limitations of these guys, so okay whatever. Adam looks alright as the Tenth, but Seth is just no. He slurs too many lines to enjoy this and just does not have the accent. A quick back-and-forth later we get to the introduction of third-party rapper Marty McFly, who starts off as a weirdly completely blacked-out shadow on some galaxy background. Then when Tenth is screaming shit about being about to die despite not having an apparent idea who he's facing the screen tints red and that stupid shaking effect happens again, because fuck you you cannot escape horror-themed rap battles. Matthew would work as the video for McFly, but then again he doesn't have the jacket or anything else iconic that would indicate this being McFly. He also just is Matthew's voice so...I guess it's just Matthew in this battle or something. Whatever. Hill Valley looks decent at least. One thing I noticed here that is probably present through the rest of the battle (but I'm too lazy to go and check the rest of the battle) is that there's actually a much slower version of the stupid shaking effect ever-present throughout here. Very stupid. Suddenly Matthew is thrown into the time tube as a background because fuck it. He has a blue tint on his body because I guess he's a god now? Fuck it. At the very end he punches the entire background to the right. Fuck it. It actually kills the Tenth. Fuck it. So who's the next Doctor? You'd think the 11th, but... I honestly don't know. It's Zack's body with Fel's voice, the description credits Fel as the audio for 11 but doesn't mention who the video of 11 is, and credits Zack as the body for 12 when he isn't the body for the Doctor after this. It's a mess. Ultimately, I decided that this is 12 and the one after this is 11 because that's who each of these dudes look more like. Am I wrong? Probably. Were you more wrong with casting? Certainly. Bill and Ted rap again but ignore McFly. Then it's McFly's turn again and Doc Brown appears. You'll love this: it's Frenzy. That's who they thought would be a great Doc Brown. He gets...get this...one line. Then disappears. Never to be seen again. Fucking hell man. Also again McFly is enough to kill 12, so now here comes 11 because he looks like 11. Also suddenly he's on the moon because all the others weren't or something. It looks okay I guess. Then his background is a vortex because fuck it. There's some lens flare and stuff that makes this look nice. Some nice-looking Sonic Screwdriver effect shows up here. It's then reused for when 11 holds up a miniature TARDIS...basically the almost-relevant equivalent of when some fucking idiot grabs one of their stuffed MLP toys or something into the shot and starts throwing around like it's a dance and it somehow ends up in the final cut (see Season-2-ERBP-era Justin). Then we get the buildup to H. G. Wells, who has an okay-looking purple-particle background and sounds...decent..I guess.. with Mat4yo's voice. I'm not sure if you ever payed attention to the costume for Wells, but Anthony is supposed to be wearing a suit. He's wearing jeans, a hoodie, a white t-shirt, and...my favorite part..a piece of construction paper Scotch-taped onto the white t-shirt for the necktie. Holy fucking shit. For some reason the moon that 11 is on becomes brighter during Wells's verse. Idk. When we get an over-the-shoulder on Wells he just gets shadowed, which is kinda just silly. Then the battle ends. Then the first seven doctors show up. The only one represented visually is the First, and he looks horrid, so 0 for 2 on that one Anthony. I presume the First just went through time to get footage of the other Doctors rapping before taking it here or something because the others were busy. Idfk. The background is just a still image of the older TARDIS. Fel's voice as 1 is okay. Mat4yo as 2 is okay. Zack as 3 is okay. Jackwolf as 4 sounds so fucking bad, especially with the precedent set by Watsky. Anthony as 5 sounds a bit too hard to hear. Tetris Block Number Four as 6 sounds kinda jarring. Fel as 7 is also jarring, but not as much. And no, I have no clue where 8 is in all this. They all finish their verse and the battle ends again with a super long TARDIS-disappearing sequence, then suddenly a twist ending that I hope will make you as angry as it made me. Larynx Announcer: .........................................Epic Fan Made Rap Battles! Bill and Ted vs The Doctor! Begin! (Just because you have a time machine doesn't mean you can just take your time getting to the announcing. Seriously, I love how the logo awkwardly inches toward the screen while the beat just "dun-dun, dun-dun-dunnadun-dun-dun"s on. Fucking hell man.) The Ninth Doctor: I'm the Doctor, life saver, Time Lord, you're both idiots, ("Things! Stuff! Excitement! Who needs room to breathe? The audience? Fuck them! They'll have to endure me throwing as much non-flowing words into the same line as possible!") I'd rather be facing those two Men in Black than these mutts. (What do the Men in Black have to do with this? Like, I'm sorry if that's a Dr. Who reference that's going over my head, but if it's actually a reference to Men in Black as in the Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones thing then why the fuck that has nothing to do with anything! "Oh but the Doctor is an alien" shut up there's nothing!) You dick-headed dumbasses are about to get stomped on by me! (Or just say "I'm about to stomp on you dick-headed dumbasses." Also, it's "DICK-headed", not "dick-HEADed". Also, does this have to do with anything? No? Just a filler fuck line? Sure yeah no it's not like we're three lines in waiting for the first actual joke or anything.) Rhymes I spit burn harder than a crack in the galaxy! (Do cracked galaxies burn? Is that a Dr. Who thing? I mean, galaxies burn naturally what with fusion in stars and stuff. Like, I figured they'd more just...collapse? Implode? if there was a crack in it. Is it a Uranus joke? "Uranus has a crack in it"? Just...a hint of what's trying to be accomplished. Maybe a reference to the other side. I've never watched Dr. Who but I'm a huge fan of Bill and Ted, maybe if you actually make a reference to them I'd like this more.) I've been through a time war, saving millions of planets! (No? Yeah sure okay nope just more Doctor Who stuff. Ten bucks says this battle was just a reason to use Doctor Who because whoever made it was disappointed with the lack of Doctor Who references in Doc Brown vs Doctor Who.) Anything you brag about, I've got it, so it's best you both can it! (Filler. Doesn't have to do with either side.) I've been exterminating you like bugs, why not call me a Dalek? (I wouldn't call you a Dalek because when you say exterminate then the joke is obvious, predictable, and not needing of a second tip-off to the joke.) Since beating these drug-using drunks is completely fantastic! (Oh hey I guess this is kinda a Bill and Ted reference. They both smoke pot! Not really a canon thing just a jab at their mannerisms but hey at least you're kinda there. I have zero clue where you got "drunks" though. They act high all the time, which you pointed out yourself in the previous word, but they don't act drunk duh. Fantastic doesn't rhyme with Dalek. Sure maybe the "ick" sounds at the end do, but that doesn't count because of the stressed syllables not rhyming.) (Bill) and {Ted}: (We're obviously the winners, so fly away on your poo machine!) ("I'll use your port-a-potty time machine as my latrine!" I mean, there's no way that's not what was being hinted at here. Also, the cringe of the phrase "we're obviously the winners.") (I bet they call you The Doctor because you rap so poorly!) (Yea- wait what? Doctor....poorly.... Was the original line like "I bet they call you The Doctor because you rap so ill"? "Sickly," maybe? Did you change the word because that is kind of a compliment, but you forgot to choose a word that made sense in context? Jesus Christ, proofread your shit damnit.) {We don't even need to watch your show to see this alien blows!} (Internal rhyme schemes lend themselves to phrases of similar cadence, but this line has the ō rhyme where the word "show" comes unfortunately about two thirds through the line and requires the cramming of the syllables to put both ō's at the main hits of the line. Also, nothing else is happening on this line. Where's the damned Bill and Ted references!) {And went on more adventures than your bitch companion Rose!} (Okay, I know what you're trying, but this is a completely separate sentence, idea, topic, it's just generally a different line, and can't continue as if you were listing things involving Bill and Ted, so take out the and, put in another we. Also, extremely unnecessary filler profanity. And unnecessary description of Rose in general. And can we quit with the Doctor Who references? Only thing about Bill and Ted you have figured out is that they act like stoners (of which they ironically don't do as they rap here). You don't need to give Doctor Who so much special treatment in this battle holy shit) (Speaking of companions, you've had loads and you're still a virgin!) (Lol, he had...loads....and is still a virgin. Totally not the intention though. This is just here for the shock value and another line-theft from ERB ("Despite all your companions you couldn't be having less sex!"). At least make it equally as funny as ERB's jokes if you're just going to steal them fucking hell man.) (And your voice is twice irritating as your re-TARDIS fans!) (Holy shit and they actually go from the companion-sex line to the fanbase-bashing line, just like ERB did. Just fucking stop. It's not funny to reference ERB, it just makes me wish I was watching that instead of this. I'd be so forgiving if these jokes were actually funny, but guess what muthafuckas they're not. Also, "twice irritating"? Not "twice as irritating"? Jesus. And what the fuck is "re-TARDIS"? Ugh. Like, ooooh woooow so clever, but imagine if they did something like "Who's fans aren't as grating as this tard is." So much better right? Gotta think outside the box sometimes. Maybe learn to end a line in something that isn't a specific word. Try phrases. Use advanced search on Rhymezone damnit. Just..make the jokes flow correctly. Fucking hell man.) {Take that little screwdriver and shove it up your ass!} (Because it's phallic I guess. Original diss. Super clever. Way to phrase it in a way no one else ever would. Fucking) Call us the Big Bad Wolves 'cause we'll crush and break you like glass! (Fucking patterned group-rap formats. I'm okay with them alternating couplets, but alternating couplets except for the last line, which is said by both characters? Wtf. And also, throughout this whole battle you give Bill the lead in lyrics and stuff, when anyone who actually knows what a Bill and Ted is would put Ted in a bit of an edge off Bill, because, you know, "I'll take Neo; I'll take the one that no one knows at all." I know this was made before ERB used Bill and Ted, but seriously, the slightest thought would've put Ted on a pedestal over Bill, most certainly not the other way around. Keanu Reeves has top billing in the movies over Alex Winter, the conflict of the first movie revolved trying to make sure Ted doesn't go to military school, And to sink in the idea that no thought was put in for Bill and Ted, this line is..you guessed it..another Doctor fucking Who reference.) The Ninth Doctor: Stop talking, your voices sound like you've been high! (...is....is this the only thing you guys know about Bill and Ted...? Like...the only thing...? Well then fuck you and also way to make the line awkward with distinction that it's their voices that make them sound..as in speak in a way that would imply that they are..high.) I'll fly in the sky, while you rap, I'll be saving millions tonight! (Again, put the fucking rhymes on the hits, stop doing...this uneven halves bullshit. Why the "while you rap"? What purpose does that serve? They're wasting time rapping here? Newsflash, Doctor, SO ARE YOU) So calm down, you can't win, I'd like to hear about you, (Did somebody say "now calm down, will you? Everything is going to be fine."? I guess not because immediately after those phrases that are filler save for the ERB reference comes something completely unrelated.) Oh, you're both potheads? Even more reasons why you'll lose. (What the fuck THAT HAS BEEN THE ONLY REASON YOU HAVE FUCKING STATED YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT IDIOTIC MOTHERFUCKER. THEY AREN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY POTHEADS, THEY'RE NEVER SEEN SMOKING POT IN THEIR MOVIES. THEY ARE JUST NATURAL IDIOTS. JUST LIKE YOU.) (Bill) and {Ted}: (You only had thirteen episodes 'cause you didn't want the fame!) (Facing an opponent who doesn't want to "get all the fame"? Make a "get all the fame" line anyway! Fucking idiots. Went and dropped the exact number of episodes this guy was in because fuck logical progressions of ideas we need awkwardly specific sentences as our lyrics.) {I'd rather suck a cyber dick than play your video game!} (Now they're alternating line-by-line? Wtf is with these patterns STOP WITH THE FUCKING PATTERNS. And...yeah okay sucking dicks joke I guess that's an option for a lyric if you don't understand basic maturity. I'd say that would happen to be characteristic of Bill and Ted, but they wouldn't be so vulgar and they strayed away from "bromo" behavior, so again, fuck your lack of basic Bill and Ted research.) (You can't talk about us! You're going through puberty backwards!) (Why the what the fuck. The Doctor said nothing about your age or your maturity or anything, so what do you mean by "you can't talk about us"? Context motherfucker. And why the no this isn't a funny joke it's just an immature misrepresentation of the ever-younger Doctor, where no Doctor has been in their teens yet and would never be anywhere close to Benjamin-Buttoning. Fucking) This is like you kidnapping the bride except even more awkward! (You're one to talk about awkward, you just had an alternating lyric pattern with both characters saying the last line in unison, putting the otherwise more focused-on character below the other, and you still haven't made a goddamn reference to Bill and Ted and) The Tenth Doctor: Allons-y! You can't beat this Doctor, you two should've stayed in school! (And holy shit you killed the fucking Doctor. Doc Brown vs Doctor Who it took Doc's special Dalek physically shooting Doctor to kill him, but here a diss about the Doctor being awkward is enough to kill him fucking what. And wow a "you should've stayed in school" joke. Not sure how it fits with beating a Doctor but fuck it) Are you both high or something? You look like you're gonna drool. (JESUS BUTTFUCKING CHRIST WILL YOU STOP WITH THE BILL AND TED ARE HIGH JOKES. And wow oh my they're going to drool fucking brutal.) I'm the fan favourite, the best, I've been going long and strong! (Sure whatever) While you're dilly-dallying, I'm saving the races from their last song! (GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK. It's literally "I'm saving the world while you're dilly-dallying" but with an extra Doctor Who reference stuffed in and you made it anastrophic. Fucking twats.) I'll mix you into a blender to make you into a retarded smoothie! (Now what? Are you referencing Rick Grimes vs Walter White? I know this isn't a Bill and Ted reference, and I honestly don't even want this to be another goddamn Doctor Who reference. This is just filler. Also, take a shot every time a form of the word "retard" appears in this. Why? Because someone in the comments of the YouTube video found it worth mentioning, so screw it, I'll see how much the word "retarded" actually is used. That's two shots so far.) I'd rather watch Bio-Dome than either one of your movies! (The second reference to Bill and Ted and it's not a reference to Bill and Ted. Fuck yourself.) This is brilliant, although I don't want to watch people suffer, (random British exclamation of excitement because Britain, amirite? Pissing off at the tail end of your verse is just taking the piss.) You two have hurt yourselves too much, call this your Last Supper! (They've hurt themselves so much? They're Bill and Ted, not the Three fucking Stooges, you idiots? I can't even think of anything where they significantly hurt themselves constantly. I think Bill accidentally pushes Ted down some stairs in the first movie. That's kinda it. The evil Bill and Ted robots from the second movie kill Bill and Ted, but that's also kinda it. This makes no sense. And what the fuck is the Last Supper? Are you seriously referring to the biblical Last Supper? That is beyond irrelevant! I legit couldn't find out what you would be otherwise referencing. Don't reference something that has literally no reason to be referenced.) (Bill) and {Ted}: (You're in a war with some trash cans, we'll copy them and exterminate!) (Well good job calling them trash cans rather than rubbish bins because Bill and Ted aren't British. I guess that's the only compliment I can give your writing. I mean, it's cute you would reference the Dalek. It reminds me of this one battle with the line "I've been exterminating you like bugs, why not call me a Dalek?" That line happens to be fresh in my mind, because, you know, it was the first of twO SIMILAR DALEK LINES IN THIS BATTLE. What in all hell is going on up there? Is there no final proofreader? Fucking hell man) (Until you're winding, finished, and dead, this time you won't regenerate!) (Until you're winding? Sorry did I copy that down correctly? What is that? Like "dizzy"? Also some of these words just sound a bit too above Bill and Ted's intelligence.) {No one will ever touch your screwdriver so stop kidnapping humans!} ("Stop doing what you do" cliché. "No one will fall for that" cliché. Also, this is the second "The Doctor is a virgin" line. Fucking hell man) {I should call you the War Doctor 'cause this time you really blew it!} ("Call someone reference because idfk" cliché. And is this referencing Bill and Ted or Doctor Who? Take a wild fucking guess.) (We get all the girls we want even though we look like you've been hit with a hammer!) (Wow okay a semi-decent reference, with a really iffy and unnecessary concession. Also, proofread your shit, because somehow The Doctor getting hit with a hammer affects Bill and Ted's looks. And, oh come on, there's only one way a concession-refutation that begins with Bill and Ted's love life can end...) (While not even River Song wants to see your little laser spanner!) (Motherfucker. If you can't come up with enough fucking Doctor Who jokes, come up with a fucking Bill and Ted joke you goddamn dumbass lazy-ass ass-in-ass asses.) {I can't stand you! Do you know who I like more? Napoleon!} ("Random! Sentences! That! Have! No! Real! Place! In! Anything! Not! Even! Itself! As! A! Line! But! At! Least! It! Rhymes! Oh! Wait! No! It! Doesn't!") We'll take what's left of your body and make you dust in the wind! (Like fucking finally you're making a couple Bill and Ted references, but really? The scene where they quote Kansas when meeting Socrates? Well now I know for sure someone writing this saw Excellent Adventure, so why haven't they been more involved in including Bill and Ted references?) The Tenth Doctor: I usually don't like killing, I usually want to find a better way. (Again, haven't you been over this shit already? Oh by the way, did you know that usually? Because usually usually usually.) You guys have proven there's no other except bringing the pain! (This is irrelevant to either side. Also please tell me I wasn't the only one who had to sit here for a minute to determine why he would say "except" rather than "besides" and had to figure out what the exception was and it turns out it's the choice between killing and bringing pain. Like come on, was that only a convoluted logical progression in the lyrics to me?) Who's that in the distance? Oh dear! Oh god! No! (I mean, this segment is essentially this.) Stop! I'm not finished! No! I don't want to go! (Ah. Oh geez. I'm in distress. Oh no. Darn it. Giving Kevin Krust L's death scene a run for its money.) Marty McFly: They call me McFly because I'm so fly, that is no lie, (Okay so earlier it at least took a "hard-hitting" lyric to kill the Doctor, this time it literally took the presence of another character to kill him. Holy shit. Also, Matthew has literally zero flow here. Like every single syllable is said incorrectly in terms of flow. Every one of them. Even after every syllable was placed with the prospect of perfectly fitting into a rhythm.) You don't wanna go now, that I'm expecting Mr. Bow-Tie! (Okay, 1 - proofread your shit. 2 - proofread your shit. Obviously it's not supposed to be "that." What probably happened was a typo where an "n" was replaced with a "t", but then that is also wrong, because the word here should be "then", not "than." So yeah, it's a typo of a grammar mistake that wasn't proofread and wasn't corrected by the voice actor. Many levels of fuck up here. And what does this mean anyway? Because Tenth doesn't want to go, you're expecting Eleven? Is it just because that's what he said before he died? Did you think the stupid "no please ah god no" shit at the end of Tenth's verse went over our fucking heads so you had to explain it? You're a fucking idiot. Also, you're expecting Eleven, but fuck you, I'm going to insist that you're about to get Twelve.) Doc's not wrong about you two, tearing apart time travel! (At what point did Doc Brown get a chance to tell you that Bill and Ted tear apart time travel? Is it because they change historical events, even though Doc said not to do that? Literally every person that goes through time travel ever says that, you dumbass. Take it up with Max Caulfield, Stewie Griffin, and Ashton Kutcher. You can't tear apart time travel, you tear apart the time and space continuum. But knowing Matthew he probably would've pronounced it "continutium" so it's probably for the best.) My rhymes will crush you, they're heavy, I'm gonna win this battle! ("Hey an actually clever idea for a line, even though it is talking about how we're rapping, but hey laugh because we're rapping." Except that's only the first part of the line. Guess what happens to the second half of the line. That's right, it says something completely unrelated to the previous bit.) Doctor Who cares? Your show is filled with aliens and bots, (Who cares....about what? About the show? About the Doctor? About what he has to say? Fucking clarify your shit! And how the hell does having aliens and robots in a television show discredit the television show?! Fucking clarify your shit!) My rhymes will go through you faster than 1.21 gigawatts! (Okay, first, shitty "lyrically kill you" line. But the real problem is how he pronounced gigawatts. Anyone who's anyone knows that it's pronounced, in terms of Back to the Future, "jiggawatts." In fact, the source material for this battle, Doc Brown vs Doctor Who, had it pronounced jiggawatts. Did you really not pronounce it that way because it's Doc Brown and specifically not Marty McFly that says it that way? Fuck off. If you don't say it the iconic way then the lamedrop reference might as well be thrown out. And this is still a problem. Seriously, there has to be like some pronunciation guide sent from writers to the voices so we don't have Mr. Burns saying "hounds" instead of "hoonds" in the Mr. Burns vs Mr. Freeze Battle Byte or Justin saying "ren dez voos" instead of "ron dey voo" in his Overused JMB Rap Battles Characters Royale.) You all suck, but I'm the time traveling valedictorian! (As in the valedictorian of Time Travel High School? Because if not I assume you just placed that word there without really knowing what it means just to fill a rhyme, which makes your rhymes profound, dumbass.) You might travel through a phone booth, but you will never handle the Delorean! (What makes you assume he can't handle the Delorean? I'd understand if it was another car or something but these are two separate ugh you know what fuck it. That said, "you have your thing but can't handle my thing" cliché.) The Twelfth Doctor (fuck you I'm not going back on that): As you predicted, I'm back again to get this party started! (He's not talking about Marty McFly's prediction, he's just talking about how predictable this battle is. What? Thought they'd completely rid of Doctor Who when he's 90% of all references? Fuck off.) I'm the most cleverest timey wimey traveler in the world, y'all retarded! (The redundant phrase "most cleverest" is redundant. Also "I'm many different phrases that all add up to how fucking awesome I am, lol ur stoopid." Three shots.) You know what would make this an even sweeter win? Jammy Dodgers! (I guess the setup is alright, but goddamn if the execution is off.) Watch as I get my screwdriver to destroy these amateurs! ("Watch me use my main weapon to destroy these stupid insult" cliché.) The best Time Lord in all of space is wasting time with you people, ("boast about self is wasting time (uber filler) with mean they are literally people I can't even shake that as a generalized insult that's just pure overgeneralization.") Marty McFly? You think you're all tuff? You're no Evel Knievel. (Okay, first, spell "tough" correctly next time, you're not seven years old. Second, why is your basis for "tuffness" Evel Knievel? What relevance does he have to anyone involved here? Which one of these is the filler rhyme anyway? Did you actually think "you people" was a decent insult and you found Evel Knievel on Rhymezone? Or did you think Evel Knievel was actually relevant and you found people on Rhymezone? Fucking hell man) I'll tread on you as your legacies bled, Bill and Ted! (Holy shit, if you can't pick a fucking tense, at least make each of the different tenses work grammatically. It straight up goes from future tense (I will) to past tense (bled). How does a legacy even bleed anyway? See, this is what happens when you focus too much on gimmicks like internal rhymes. It makes your lyrics make no goddamn sense. You legitimately couldn't figure out how else this could've worked out? I mean, "I'll tread on you; put it to bed, Bill and Ted!" is a bunch of filler, but so is this line, and it doesn't have any grammatical mistakes.) You can call me your God, but this is the God Complex! (Lamedrops suck by the way. How does being in a location that denotes God counteract calling him a god?) (Bill) and {Ted}: (Stick those fish fingers up your ass and mix it with custard!) ("Stick item up your ass" cliché. Also I'm calling bullshit on Bill and Ted knowing so many references to Doctor Who.) (You think you're all clever? We don't wanna make a fuss but,) (Wow a lyric that captured Bill and Ted's mannerisms enough that ERB had a version of it (I don't wanna be rude."). There is zero chance it was intentional though. Also, what the fuck is that "custard-fuss but" rhyme?) {We'll completely smash you if you think that you're funny,} (That is...really filler. Like that is so much filler.) {In the end you'll do what you've always done: running!} (Whatever. Probably more Doctor Who references. Fuck you. Also, what the fuck is that "funny-running" rhyme?) (Doc Brown) and {Marty McFly}: (Great Scott! I didn't even notice these two standing in line!) (And...that's it. No more Doc Brown. He doesn't appear at all besides this. So why is he here anyway? Well I could only figure out one reason: someone on the writing staff really didn't like how Doc Brown vs Doctor Who turned out. Imagine going into the YouTube comments of Doc Brown vs Doctor Who to find nothing but criticisms. What are those not-at-all-thought-out criticisms? "Not enough Doctor Who references." "Why the old guy from Back to the Future? Why does Marty McFly only get one line?" "Why does the Doctor regenerate backwards from 10 to 4? I wanted to see 11! And where's 9? This would've been so much better if he went through every form the Doctor went through in the whole show!" "Why does the Doctor's title card say "Doctor Who" instead of "The Doctor" you idiots." Yeah. I'd tell you to now imagine that guy being the mastermind behind this battle, but you don't have to imagine it; that's exactly what fucking happened.) {They probably couldn't see me, being high, I'll school them with my rhymes!} (Well, at least you understand the importance of commas. Matthew obviously didn't; he just blew right by it like the line was "they probably couldn't see me being high." Also, they're about to get schooled by the Mario Fools.) {And Doctor, your show is boring, and we don't need to pretend!} (Pretend? Pretend what? Pretend that the show is not boring? Give us some fucking context! Hell, give us some substance! What makes the show boring? Does it have bad pacing? Is it the bad special effects? Give us something!) {I'll kick your ass back to the future and travel there again!} (Because fuck it, lamedrops. I love how he needs to include "and travel there again," I mean, like, that is literally what "back to the future" means. Thanks for the description you fucking wanker.) The Eleventh Doctor (I don't care what you have to say about it, that's what it is and always will be): Your raps are impossible, I just can't believe, (This filler is impossible. I just can't believe.) I can make a better rap than you when I bloody sneeze. (I can pick apart your bullshit when I fucking sneeze.) You need to shut it or you might be destroyed like Gallifrey! ("I will kill you like thing" cliché.) I'll be wrecking your fame by entering this vortex with me! (Okay, I know Doctor Who has a ton of paradoxical scenes where the Doctor meets the Doctor and shit like that, but this just feels like a fucking mistake in the writing. And if it isn't, and it's actually just a reference to a scene in Doctor Who, then guess what, it's ANOTHER FUCKING DOCTOR WHO REFERENCE.) If you could go into someone's timeline, then I would've stopped you fools, (So if Marty, Bill, and Ted were able to go into someone else's timeline, (which Marty can do because the timelines shift in Back to the Future, but Bill and Ted can't - their timeline is set in stone with the assumption that what will happen will happen, so I don't know, I'm sure your rhymes are profound somewhere in that), then the Doctor would've stopped them...) And I will beat your asses up with my sonic screw tools! (And he will (pick a fucking tense) beat them up with his sonic screwdriver? Fuck it, I'm just going to assume that whoever wrote this has absolutely no understanding of the idea of time travel. Watch as I get my screwdriver to destroy these amateurs!) Stop acting like retarded kids and actually teach up to my level, (Are you telling Marty, Bill, and Ted to teach other people? Like, teach them about time travel? Fucking why? They don't have the teaching chops and why must everyone who time travels understand every single tiny facet of how it works?! This makes no sense! Four shots.) The reason you lost is because I'm a Time Lord and this is time travel! (This is a decent idea, but the execution is fucked. Like...yeah no duh this is time travel what did you think this was?) H. G. Wells: H. G. Wells is back from the dead to send you all to hell, ("I am here to send you to hell" cliché.) You fictions sucks dick, son, check The Time Machine: Wells! (The Time Machine was also fiction but whatever. Also, don't address them plurally then singularly.) The greatest mustache man is here to unleash his fury, (It's mustached. He's not a mustache-themed superhero. Also, you motherfuckers looked at H. G. Wells, and decided that he had such a good mustache that it deserved to be mentioned in this battle? Dude looks like the inbred Marx Brother. Also, "I'm here to send you to hell" cliché, just after the other one. Proofread your shit.) Doctor Who? You? I'd prefer Big Bang Theory! (Jesus Christ just because you ran out of Doctor Fucking Who references doesn't mean there isn't like five other characters in this battle you could reference you fucking) Saving planets? You make the universe chaos-ridden! (No, he leaves the universe chaos-ridden. And it's damn good the universe practices a healthy amount of chaotic entropy or we'd be in Heat Death right now you non-researching piss-taking fuckers.) Bill and Ted, Wells just said "go home, children!" (Wow. He said that. Not only that, but he referred to himself in the third person. As if I didn't hate everyone in this battle so much already.) Spitting rhymes higher than Warehouse 13, (See now what the fuck does Warehouse 13 have to do with this? Some fucking X-Files knockoff? Is there even time travel in this show? Just a character named after H. G. Wells? What in all? And what do you mean by "higher"? As in your rhymes physically go over the Warehouse from the show? I don't fucking. Why?) Go back to "the Doc" in his white "time machine," Marty! (Okay now here's a surprise: I have nothing against this line. I actually find it refreshing to see them actually expand upon a joke from Brown vs Who, since that one just drops the "pedophile" bomb and runs off. What I do have a problem with is how it was delivered. Mat4yo gone and ignored the commas and his cadence turned Marty into a superhero called "Time Machine Marty" or something.) I'm fighting even harder than World War I, (How does one actually fight harder than the Great War in its entirety? Also, why didn't you call it the Great War? Also, have we even had a reference to H. G. Wells's The Time Machine yet?) I'll take you out of time, but that is when I will have won! (As in, they are out of time in the battle? Or like...they have been physically taken outside of the time-space continuum? And he wins because everyone else is not in a universe anymore? And what part of taking them out of time counteracted the idea of Wells winning that required him to clarify with a negation that he would have won once completing said task? Fucking) Here's a suggestion: go travel away to your death! (I mean, I don't want to be that guy, but does not everyone travel away to their death at every given moment, only exception being if you hypothetically had a time machine? Oh shit, they do have a time machine? Maybe you wanted them to travel to the future to witness their own deaths? Because I will tell you the fuck what, that is not what you fucking said.) H. G. Wells, artist, writer, always the best! ("H. G. Wells. Artist. Writer. Omission of time traveler. Totally won in this time traveler battle." Totally.) Announcer: Who won? Who's next? (And that was this bullshit.) The First Seven Doctors (fuck the Eighth Doctor, he was only around for, what, one episode? weak sauce): (1)But you didn't get to taste the classics, the First Doctor has arrived! (Fuck. There's more bullshit. Have I talked about what this post-battle battle means? It means that the First Doctor found it worth his time to travel throughout time to visit Doctors 2-7 and have them all say random shit, because let's be honest, none of them are spitting bars they're just saying snippets of sentences, similar to how literally every bad team battle in the community is produced, and he came back and played a video recording of those bars with spaces edited in for him to interject? This is like the safety video from that Ziplining episode of South Park but 100x more cringey (and the joke of that scene was that it was supposed to be cringey). Like, seriously, as if this battle wasn't trying to pander to Doctor Who enough. Jesus fucking Christ.) There'll be no regrets, no anxieties, when the oldies take the mic! (So the other characters won't feel intimidated by them? Seriously, what is this even supposed to mean?!) (2)Let me blow my recorder, that'll show you all modern messes, (God fucking. Look, if you can barely coordinate these stupid team rap formats through recordings how the fuck would this be possible as a real life rap battle? Fucking. Also, this Doctor just called his recorder playing "modern messes". What? That wasn't the intention? Then proofread your shit so your voice actor says "that'll show all you modern messes." Granted that would be complete filler anyway so fuck you.) (3)Bill and Ted? We'll give you a time travel tip you'll never be forgetting! (Goddamn it, if you mispronounce something then rerecord it! You should know that this line should rhyme with the previous (at least slightly), so do so! And what fucking time travel tip is it? Motherfucker never tells us!) (4)Would you like a jelly baby? No? Well then just go away. (Holy shit are you just spiting Doc Brown vs Doctor Who by making both of the Doctors used in that one fucking whiny bitches?) (5)I'd rather play cricket than listen to you modern Doctors blabber all day! (Okay, yes, we get it, they are the modern Doctors. Stop telling us this. And I would do literally anything other than sitting here listening to this, so talk about an arbitrary reference template.) (6)We're old school badasses, we'll take you on a trip from the past! (Okay, yes, we get it, they are the older Doctors. Stop telling us this. And goddamn it the only vague undescribed trip from the past I want to go on is all the drugs consumed in the seventies.) (7)We'll use our screwdrivers to put an end to these jokes at last! (Man we just need to put an end to the screwdriver jokes at last.) (1)H. G. Wells? All your books are terrible, you can barley (sic) write! (How does one barley write? Does that involve the use of the bristles of the plant as a sort of quill? Or maybe it involves not misspelling the fucking subtitles. Also, way to explain exactly how Wells's books are terrible. Fucker.) Not to mention people thought you were a girl, so you can't even fight! (Because sexist and homophobic 2013-2014 fanmade rap battle writing. Also who the fuck thought that H. G. Wells was a girl except the motherfucker who put that Warehouse 13 reference in earlier? What in all hell man stop with the Warehouse 13! Fucking hell man!) (2)This is the war games, the classics win, so you better make haste, (This is one thing that is irrelevant to the rest of the line. Also, so you better make filler.) (3)I'll karate chop you into dust, this time this Doctor does not run away! (Man shut the fuck up with the Doctor Who references.) (4)You'll go to H. G. Hell and the land that time forgot, (AFFIRMATIVE) (Man, god, just, no more Doctor Who how can he even be in two places at once you know forget it.) (5)And what's with the Doc always hanging around with that Marty kid? (I don't know. H. G. Wells already did a good joke about that, ask him.) (6)Not a moment too soon! (7)We'll send you to the moon! (I lost track)Off you trot! (Fucking hell man. Shut up. One person. Please just one person. One person with one thought.) (Literally all of them this is fucking earrape)We'll outrap you so hard it will cause a paradox! (Oh my god the only paradox is the fucking black hole my ears imploded into after listening to this fucking bullshit everyone shut up we don't need seven or eight people talking at once no one's even lined up oh my god) ... (Oh boy we get a literal thirty seconds of nothing but the TARDIS disappearing into a time fuck. This bullshit buildup better be for a decent ending.) A Strangely Mancha-Sounding Announcer: Who won? Who's next? You Decide! (Uh, weird. Didn't we already do the announcer ending for this battle? Are you just repeating it because it got interrupted? And what happened to Zack's announcer? And what's with the font? And why a different beat for an outro anyway? Wait a minute...that beat...it sounds familiar...and that announcer...this is...) ... (Oh god no...come on don't do this to me...of all things don't let it be this...) UBER RAP BATTLES OF FICTION! (No come on please...it's not even worth reviewing...sure it does nothing right but what it does wrong is just so mundane and boring and I know literally zero bit of the source material please) ALTERNIA BOUND! VS! (Come on this battle was dumb enough already don't give us this. This battle isn't even live action. At least when Ötzi vs Elsa did this it wasn't as in-your-face and the cast and general look of the battle was similar enough to be able to call the battles connected. This is just slapping an ad for another battle at the end, and what's more, the battle has...) THE DOCTORS! (That's right! This battle was made with full intention to do nothing but kiss Doctor Who's ass and all it did was make a mockery of the show, so here's ANOTHER Doctor Who battle.) BEGIN! (Fuck. You.) Thanks for reading. Watch the video and subscribe to my YouTube. Let's try and get me to 10,000 views so I can start getting ad rev. Category:Blog posts